Voices
by Cathy W
Summary: Hawkeye Pierce is living a happy life after the war, but then he begins to hear voices. Is he going crazy again? Read this and find out!


*To fully understand this story, you need to have seen the final episode of M*A*S*H, "Goodbye, Farewell & Amen". If you haven't, you can still enjoy this story. Just realize there are references to it in here. On another note, I would appreciate any feedback, good, bad, or indifferent,at CLWshorty01@Yahoo.com. Put the subject as RE: the story Voices. (Be gentle. This was my first fanfic.) Thanks, and hope you enjoy.  
  
  
  
VOICES  
  
By: Cathy W.  
  
  
  
Hawkeye felt many unshed tears finally spill down his cheeks as the helicopter rose higher and higher. He craned his neck and squinted at the large "GOODBYE" until he could no longer see it. 'I figured that this would be one of the best days of my life, the day I went home. The friendly neighborhood Draft Board booked me on an indefinite vacation to a place I didn't want to go doing things I didn't want to do, and I finally get to leave. Go back to Dad and his cooking, the fishing, the private practice I was going to open. But, I'll never be the same. BJ, my best friend. Potter, my surrogate father. Klinger and his big nose. Charles, the pompous windbag. Gosh, I'll even miss him. And Margaret...' He didn't let himself finish the thought.  
  
He looked back at the speck in the distance where the M*A*S*H 4077, his home away from home, had been. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, the faces of his new family running through his mind.  
  
He awoke, feeling the helicopter coming down for a landing. He had been having a dream that was a mixture of memories from the last three years. He had awakened just as his replay of his kiss with Margaret was over. He could almost feel her lips still against his, in the passionate kiss that had communicated in the seconds it lasted what could not be communicated in years with words. They had felt their souls touch when they kissed, and he knew that his soul would never be whole without her. But things were so complicated.  
  
That's when he first heard the voice. It was BJ's and it sounded so real yet far away. He knew it could not be his imagination. It sounded too real. BJ's voice was saying his name. 'Goodbye, BJ. I'll miss you more than you can know,' he said in answer to the voice. 'BJ and I must have a very strong bond. It's like we're psychically linked. It sounds like I'm hearing his voice.' He stared at the landing pad and the homecoming it represented.  
  
  
  
*** *** *** ***  
  
"Dad? Dad? I'm home! Finally," Hawkeye added under his breath. The house seemed too empty, too quiet. He hoped nothing was wrong. He turned the corner into the kitchen and found himself suddenly surrounded by the whole town of Crabapple Cove yelling surprise.  
  
"Hey!" he gasped in shock. Everyone was there, even Mrs. Maynard in her wheelchair.  
  
"Son, I'm so happy you're home," Dr. Daniel Pierce said, his voice almost breaking with emotion. Noticing how glazed his father's eyes looked, Hawk realized his father was holding back tears of joy.  
  
"Dad, I've missed you so much. I love you," he managed to mutter between tears as he hugged his father to him tightly.  
  
"So, tell us about your last day in Korea," someone requested in the back.  
  
"Well, um, this may take a while," Hawkeye said.  
  
  
  
*** Three Months Later ***  
  
  
  
"So, any special ladies here in town you want to go see? You haven't been on a date since you've gotten here. What's wrong?" Daniel Pierce asked as his son scowled at him.  
  
"I don't feel much like dating, if that's okay with you," Hawkeye answered sarcastically.  
  
"I'm sorry, Hawk. It's just before you left, you used to be quite popular with the ladies, like your old man here," he replied, trying to lighten the mood.  
  
"Well, a lot's happened since I left, Dad. Like maybe I met someone and grew up a little."  
  
"What's her name? It wouldn't be...what's her name...Hot Lips, would it?" Daniel asked curiously.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it," Hawkeye said moodily and left the room. Daniel just looked on in concern and bewilderment.  
  
  
  
*** Later that night ***  
  
  
  
"You've been moping around here ever since you got home. Why don't you call Hot Lips? You haven't seen each other for a few months, and I'm sure she'll be happy to talk to you," Daniel said with a smile.  
  
'That's what I'm afraid of,' Hawkeye thought to himself. 'But if she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, that would be even worse. What am I so afraid of? Commitment?' He sat in silence for a few moments and decided to go with his gut instinct.  
  
"Okay, Dad," he replied and headed straight for the phone. He didn't know where Margaret was nor her phone number, so he decided to call BJ first. If anyone knew, he would.  
  
"Hello," BJ answered. There was silence on the other end, so he added, "Can I help you?"  
  
"Hey, Beej," Hawkeye said hesitantly. He hadn't talked to his best friend since they had left, although he had definitely thought about it. He'd figured BJ was settling back into his wonderful life with Peg and Erin in Mill Valley and wouldn't want anyone dredging up old memories for him.  
  
"Hawkeye!" BJ yelled in complete joy. "How've you been, buddy?"  
  
"Fine," Hawkeye answered, his heart warming at his best friend's voice. "And you? And Peg and Erin?"  
  
"Great, couldn't be better." After a long pause BJ added, "I've missed you so much, Hawkeye. You can't believe how much I've missed you." Hawkeye could hear the tears through the phone.  
  
"Me too. I just wanted to give you a little space," Hawk said.  
  
"Oh, but so much has happened," BJ replied. He then went on all about his new life, and then Hawkeye told him all about his life. They talked for hours, laughing, crying, and experiencing every emotion possible. They were about ready to hang up again, when Hawkeye remembered why he had called.  
  
"Hey, Beej, do you know Margaret's number?" Hawkeye asked.  
  
"Sure do," he answered, smiling.  
  
  
  
"Margaret?" Hawkeye asked as he heard the phone being picked up.  
  
"No, this is Charles. May I ask who's calling?"  
  
'Oh, no. It couldn't be. Please don't let it be what I think it is,' Hawkeye desperately thought. He would recognize that pompous, smug tone anywhere.  
  
"Hey, Charles. You don't recognize the voice of your favorite chum from the good old 4077th?" Hawkeye asked, forcing a light tone.  
  
"Hawkeye?" Charles asked in shock.  
  
"Yeah, the one and only. So why are you there?" Hawkeye had not meant to be so blunt, but now that it was out, he was dying to know the answer.  
  
"I assume, by that question, that you haven't heard. I called BJ a few weeks ago, but unfortunately he was not at home. I made the assumption that someone else would tell you."  
  
"Tell me what!?" Hawkeye demanded. His heart was in his throat and he felt as if it would explode there. He really did not want to hear the answer, but he had to know. 'Please don't let them be engaged, or worse, married,' he prayed.  
  
"Margaret was in an accident. She is doing better, but it is still a very precarious situation," Charles replied sorrowfully.  
  
"Oh, no. What happened?" Hawkeye asked his eyes wide with fear. Somehow, in a perverse way, his heart did not feel so broken but his gut hurt worse.  
  
"She was visiting me here in Boston, saying she needed some advice from an old friend. I was happy to oblige, but she insisted on staying in a hotel instead of the guest room. She was driving there at night in the rain and lost control of the car. She hit a telephone pole and broke several bones. Some fractures were so compound and she had so much internal bleeding that after I operated, I honestly didn't know if she would survive."  
  
Hawkeye didn't say anything for a moment. He was so shocked and utterly horrified that he, for once, was speechless. "Where in Boston do you live? I have to come right now," Hawkeye said firmly.  
  
Charles told him and Hawkeye hurriedly packed (by throwing some clothes in a suitcase) and ran out the door.  
  
  
  
*** Hours Later ***  
  
  
  
"Margaret? Margaret?" Hawkeye mumbled as he ran to the nurses' station in a panic. "Where's Margaret Houlihan?"  
  
A nurse looked up in surprise then looked down at the pile of papers in front of her. "ICU room 3."  
  
"Thank you," Hawkeye managed to utter, partly out of habit. He sprinted down the corridors of the hospital in a desperate search for Margaret. Then he heard a voice. It gave him a strange sense of deja-vu. The faint murmur of a somehow-familiar voice, mumbling. It wasn't like it was in his head. He could hear it as if someone was talking directly to him from somewhere far away. He turned around but there was nobody nearby. The closest person was down at the other end of the corridor and it was just a janitor mopping. He heard it again, but this time he could make out the word Hawkeye. He glanced around again but there was still nobody there. This scared him a bit. He hoped that he wasn't starting to go crazy again. His concern for himself, however, was outweighed by his concern for Margaret. He continued running down the corridor, searching for her.  
  
He found her a moment later. She was pale and wan with tubes sticking out of her everywhere. The bruises and lacerations on her face were healing, but they were right at the point where they looked worse than they did when they were fresh. Her eyes were closed and the eyelids were an unhealthy purple.  
  
"Margaret!" Hawkeye cried as he came to the side of the bed. He looked beside him and saw Charles holding her hand. He hadn't even noticed him there at first.  
  
"Pierce," Charles said quietly.  
  
Hawkeye looked at her and grabbed her other hand. He closed his eyes and kissed her forehead. "Margaret, please wake up. I love you so very much. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before, but I love you with all my heart and I would die if you left me." He bent his head and wept.  
  
"Hawk," Margaret weakly whimpered. He raised his head in pure joy and kissed her square on the lips in an extreme outpouring of emotion. "I heard what you said, and I love you too." She smiled weakly and squeezed his hand.  
  
  
  
*** 6 Months Later ***  
  
  
  
Hawkeye and Margaret were lying on the beach of Crabapple Cove, Maine in pure bliss. All physical traces of the accident had disappeared. Margaret's head rested against Hawkeye's shoulder as they watched the water lap up onto the beach. As she looked up into his piercing blue eyes, she felt him move underneath her. He smiled down at her in happiness, love, and an emotion she could not quite place. Apprehension, perhaps? He sat up and turned around to face her. "Margaret Houlihan, will you marry me?" He brought the velvet box up to where she could see it and opened it for her. She stared at him in shock, then reached up and kissed him. "Is that a yes, I hope?" he asked anxiously. She nodded, still unable to speak. She picked the ring up and put it on her finger. He kissed her on the cheek, but she turned and kissed his lips once again. She was happier than she ever thought she could be in her whole life.  
  
Once they parted, Hawkeye heard Margaret's voice saying his name softly. "Hmm?" he muttered.  
  
"What?" she asked, grinning.  
  
"That's what I want to know," he replied.  
  
"Huh?" she said in bewilderment.  
  
"Didn't you say my name?" he asked, watching her face for a sign of a joke.  
  
"No," she answered, searching his face for a clue as to what was going on. He was still watching her when he heard her voice saying his name again. It seemed to be coming from far away, and her lips hadn't moved. It disturbed him, but he shook it off. He would not let anything ruin the happiest moment of his life.  
  
  
  
*** 3 Months Later ***  
  
  
  
As Margaret Houlihan heard the Wedding March, the butterflies in her stomach completely disappeared and she felt as confident and self-assured as she ever had before. She marched down the aisle and tried to look serene, but she was unable to hide the smile spreading across her face. She thought she would laugh when she saw the grin Hawkeye was wearing. It stretched from ear to ear and looked like it could've split his face in half. After their vows and the kiss that sealed their bond, one of Hawkeye's hearty laughs split the air. It was so contagious that everyone in the wedding party started laughing and couldn't stop. As he was laughing, he heard his name again. He didn't know whose voice it was and it seemed to be coming from a distant place. He searched the church with his eyes but everyone was talking to Margaret or standing in line to give the bride a peck on the cheek. He had heard this kind of voice before, but nothing had ever come of it. He closed it out of his mind and went to join his blushing bride.  
  
  
  
*** 9 Months Later ***  
  
"Hawkeye! Hawkeye!" Margaret yelled as she ran down the hall of their house, which also happened to be Hawkeye's boyhood home.  
  
"What's wrong, honey?" Hawkeye asked, then demanded, "Tell me what's going on, Margaret, please?"  
  
She just looked up at him and smiled. He looked at her curiously and, noticing his impatience, she replied, "It looks as if the Major's having a minor." She grinned up at him, but he just furrowed his brow.  
  
"What are you talking about?" he asked, then everything seemed to click. "Do you mean..."  
  
"Yes, I'm pregnant. We're having a baby!" she cried in pure joy.  
  
His smile stretched from ear to ear and he started laughing hysterically. "Are you positive?" he managed to gasp out between laughs.  
  
"I'm a nurse, remember?" she reminded him and joined her husband in laughing. He picked her up and twirled her around, then set her down carefully.  
  
"I love you," he whispered in her ear.  
  
"I love you too," she said.  
  
Hawkeye looked around in shock. He had heard a voice telling him to wake up, and somehow he knew the voice. 'Charles? Couldn't be.' He looked down at his wife, who he noticed was glowing. "I'm not dreaming, am I?" he asked Margaret.  
  
"If you were dreaming, would I do this?" she asked playfully and gave him a passionate kiss.  
  
"You might, but it wouldn't be that good. I couldn't dream this up," he smirked. He once again got caught up in pure bliss and put off worrying about the voice until later.  
  
  
  
*** 7 Months Later ***  
  
  
  
"Dr. Pierce, meet your new son," the doctor smiled and handed him his new child. Hawkeye smiled contentedly. He kissed his freshly cleaned son and smiled at his exhausted wife. She smiled back.  
  
"Meet Benjamin Franklin Pierce, Jr.," she said stroking her baby's arm. The new father hugged her with one arm, careful not to squish the newborn, and they looked at their little miracle. He heard a voice which sounded very much like Colonel Potter's say his name. He turned his head, hoping somehow Potter had found out about the birth and had come to join them. His face fell when he realized it wasn't him, but the voices he kept hearing. He could hear them as if they were beside him, not in his head. He shook his head as if to rid it of the cobwebs and looked back down at Ben Jr.  
  
  
  
*** A Few Months Later ***  
  
  
  
"What is the matter with you, Hawkeye Pierce? Lately all you do is look off into the distance and then stare at us, your son and wife, as if you don't believe we exist. You wake up in the middle of the night, yelling 'What? What? What do you want with me?' like there are voices talking to you. I'm taking you to see Sidney Freedman, and that's final!" She may have sounded furious, but really she was worried to death. She had thought that his bout of insanity at the end of the war had been temporary, a result of a traumatic event, but now she was afraid he had never really recovered and was losing his mind again.  
  
After hours of this same argument, he had given up. His pride was not worth his marriage, his family, and even perhaps his sanity. "Okay, honey. I give up. I never could say no to you," he said, trying to lighten the mood. She just looked at him in concern.  
  
  
  
*** Days Later, in Sidney's Clinic ***  
  
  
  
"So, Hawkeye, I see things have changed a lot since we last saw each other. Your son is beautiful, and motherhood definitely agrees with Margaret," Sidney said cordially.  
  
"Yeah," Hawkeye answered noncommitally.  
  
"What about you? Is the stress of fatherhood getting to you, or are you finding that settling down is becoming confining?" Sidney gently probed.  
  
"No," he replied firmly.  
  
"Well, then, what's the matter?" he questioned, then noticing Hawkeye's bright blue eyes clouding over, added, "You can tell me, Hawk. Margaret's in another room, she can't hear you. Come on. I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."  
  
"Sidney, I..." he stopped and with great effort continued. "I hear voices. Not all the time, and not all the voices at once. I hear voices of people I know saying my name and sometimes ones I don't recognize. The first time I heard one was when I was leaving in the helicopter. It sounded like BJ was talking right in my ear, but like it was far away too. Like maybe through a wall or something. Then I heard one after I found out Margaret had been hurt a couple of months after I got home. I couldn't make out who it was. Then again when I proposed to Margaret. I heard her say my name, but she denied it. Then I watched her mouth and heard it again. Her lips didn't move and she's not a ventriloquist. I've even tried to trick her into revealing if she has the talent, but she doesn't. Then at my wedding I heard another voice. Then after I found out about Ben Jr. I heard Charles' voice. After that, I could've sworn I heard Colonel Potter at his birth, and then they started coming more and more often. Now I hear them every other day or so, and at night." His words came out in one great rush. Hawkeye looked somewhat relieved but scared, as if he were afraid of the truth.  
  
"Hawkeye, you've just taken a major step whether you realize it or not. I don't want to push you too hard, and I don't have to because I'm not doing meatball psychiatry. I have the time to help you, and if you keep making this kind of progress I believe things will work themselves out. I would like you to stay near here in case you need me between appointments. There's a hotel near here. I'll see you tomorrow," he said.  
  
"Bye, Sidney," Hawkeye told him. He looked for all the world as if a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders. There was even some of the old bounce in his step. Just confiding to someone about the voices had given him new hope.  
  
  
  
*** Later That Night ***  
  
  
  
"I don't want to! NO! I like it here!" Hawkeye yelled in his sleep. He tossed and turned and nearly pushed Margaret off the bed.  
  
Margaret picked up the phone and dialed Sidney's number. "Sidney, I think it's an emergency," she urgently told him.  
  
  
  
*** Even Later ***  
  
  
  
"They want me to leave. But I can't! I won't!! I belong here, not there!" Hawkeye screamed, fear in his eyes.  
  
"Hawkeye! It's not real! Wake up!" the normally quiet Sidney yelled.  
  
  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
  
  
"Why won't he wake up?" Margaret asked tearfully. "Maybe it was a mistake to tell him about the end of the war."  
  
"No, I think it was for the best. I'm of course concerned that he has been here through the end of the war and still has not even showed an inkling of differentiating between reality and fantasy. But I still think we were right to tell him. At least his delusions are happy ones now," Sidney said. Hawkeye had been at the clinic ever since the incident on the bus, and had been delusional since. He had managed to delve into a new life. He had incorporated his deepest fantasies (the kiss with Margaret, a life with her, a child of his own) into his dream life. The voices he had heard were not fantasy, but the actual reality. His friends had been trying to wake him up, to reach him for months. They called his name out and told him to wake up, to no avail. He was too deeply rooted in his dream life.  
  
  
  
In case you did not understand the end of this, I'll admit, confusing story, here's the scoop. "Goodbye, Farewell & Amen" was a figment of Hawkeye's imagination. He never recovered from the insanity that was a result of the baby being killed on the bus. The final Margaret/Hawkeye kiss was pure fantasy, BJ's goodbye to him, his marriage to Margaret, his child, all delusions. The voices he heard were his friends trying to wake him from these delusions. I'm sorry if I confused anybody, and if I have some mistakes (I've only been a fan for a year and a half, being only 17 years old). If you find mistakes or just want to leave a comment, my e-mail address is CLWshorty01@Yahoo.com. Thank you, and I hope you enjoyed it! 


End file.
